Jokes

24 posts | Original | Recent
 
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27 Posts
Mar 18, 2013 1:01pm
via Android

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the  ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.  

The frog  said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant  you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog , and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish  for, your husband will get times ten!" 

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful  woman in the world.

The frog  warned  her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome  man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes  only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest   woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."  

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his   wife .;)

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.:p 

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show\=D/

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!X_X  

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour:D

22 Mar
Haha hilarious :-)
22 Mar
Welcome,to the club...:-)
28 Mar
Haha
22 Apr
Had to keep reading... Good one!
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27 Posts
Mar 18, 2013 1:02pm
via Android

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the  ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.  

The frog  said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant  you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog , and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish  for, your husband will get times ten!" 

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful  woman in the world.

The frog  warned  her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome  man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes  only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest   woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."  

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his   wife .;)

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.:p 

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show\=D/

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!X_X  

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour:D

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106 Posts
Mar 18, 2013 2:40pm
via iOS
Lmao I love this!
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106 Posts
Mar 18, 2013 3:00pm
No problem!
18 Mar
Whatcha mean??
18 Mar
I spend every single day with my amazing boyfriend of almost 2 years. I also workout everyday or mostly everyday. Tuesdays is the day my favorite tv show comes on so everyone shushes up lmao what about you ?
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106 Posts
Mar 18, 2013 3:05pm
Nice ! I know how to play guitar I play mainly 80s rock
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106 Posts
Mar 18, 2013 3:08pm
Lmao ain't nothing wrong with playing the drums. I'm graduating high school this year which I'm stressed out about since I'm only 16
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106 Posts
Mar 18, 2013 3:12pm
Well not for me lol I'm working to go to college next to major in pshcology and then I have to be interned in a law office for two years then I have to pass this test called the BAR to become an injury lawyer. One of my parents lawyer friends are interning me and helping me through all of this mess but this is what I wanna be. And one good thing is that I don't have to go to law school since Thomas Jefferson I'm not sure why but you don't have to in Va
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221 Posts
Mar 18, 2013 3:32pm
via Android

jokes n jokes n jokes n jokes spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti

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106 Posts
Mar 18, 2013 5:08pm
Thank you. And I don't have one
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34 Posts
Mar 21, 2013 10:47am

My mums family is Jewish and gave me these three jokes:

A Jewish mother gives her son two ties for his birthday. Next time she sees him he is wearing one of the ties. She says "huh! What was wrong with the other tie?"

 

What is the difference between a Jewish mother and a pit bull terrier?

The pit bull eventually lets go.

 

How can you tell that Jesus was Jewish?

He lived at home until he was thirty, he followed in his fathers profession, he thought his mother was a virgin and his mother thought he was God.

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34 Posts
Mar 21, 2013 10:58am

Also, a few engineering jokes:

One engineer sees his friend, another engineer, has a new bike. He says "that's a nice bike, where did you get it?"

His friend replies "Its  a funny story, I was walking across campus yesterday and a girl cycled up to me. She jumped off her bike, ripped off all her clothes and said 'take whatever you want', so I took the bike"

his friend said "Good call, the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you"

 

Some engineers are debating which kind of engineer God is most like.

The first says "he must be a mechanical engineer, look at the bones and muscles in the human body"
The second says "No, he must be an electrical engineer, just look at the electrical impulses in the brain"

The third says "to me, there is no doubt he is a chemical engineer, look at all the reactions in the human body"

The fourth says "don't be silly, he must be a civil engineer. Who else would lay a waste pipe through a recreational facility?"

 

An engineer, a lawyer and a politician are debating which is the oldest profession.

The engineer says "God created the world in seven days, that was the first big engineering project so it is engineering"

The lawyer says "before that he created order out of chaos, and that is like the law so that must be the oldest profession"

the politician says "Ahh, but who do you think created the chaos...?"

21 Dec
As a civeng student I thought these were hilarious! :)
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50 Posts
Mar 22, 2013 6:53am
via Android

Heres a dirty joke:  a white horse jumps in a big puddle of mud...what a mess, so dirty!    

22 Jun
Now that's the dirtiest joke I ever heard ;)
23 Jun
That joke is dirtier than my internet history.
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27 Posts
Mar 27, 2013 6:33pm
via Android

A young woman on a flight asked the Priest beside her : Father, may I ask you a favor?

What may I do for you?

Well, I bought an expensive ladies' electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robe perhaps?

I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you I will not lie.

When they got to the Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked : Father, do you have anything to declare?

From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked : And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?

I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.

Roaring with laughter, the official said : Go ahead, Father!

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50 Posts
Mar 27, 2013 7:08pm
via Android

At the end of the night a man leaves the bar. Outside he sees a
    nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he
    punches her in the stomach and knocks her over. He proceeds to
    kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her
    and says, "not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"

28 Mar
Lol. Ikr
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50 Posts
Mar 28, 2013 4:51am
via Android

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
    appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, 'You seem
    like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance
    rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and
    try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to
    give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.'
    Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the
    first one, 'How did you do over the weekend?' 'Well, your
    honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.' '17
    people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?' 'I used a
    diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told
    them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
    (small circle) is your brain after drugs.' 'That's admirable,'
    said the judge. 'And you, how did you do?' (to the 2nd guy).
    'Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs
    forever.' '156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do
    that!' 'Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the
    small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before
    prison.....

30 Mar
Love this..
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135 Posts
Mar 30, 2013 5:50pm
via Android

I cant really tell if that was a joke
Sorry stupid comment

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21 Posts
Mar 31, 2013 5:00am
via Android

Man send me this ASAP, antoineford1185@gmail.com

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27 Posts
Apr 2, 2013 10:07am
via Android

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

07 Apr
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27 Posts
Apr 17, 2013 5:14am
via Android

"Mind blowing truth" -

The only person to whom a women will listen very carefully is a

"PHOTOGRAPHER"

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6 Posts
Apr 17, 2013 11:30am
via Android

a woman walks into a drugstore and asks the clerk if they have extra large condoms. the clerk says "yes, we do, would you like to buy some?" the woman says "no, but would you mind if i waited around until someone does?"

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48 Posts
Apr 22, 2013 12:46am
via iOS
North korea
22 Apr
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5 Posts
Apr 24, 2013 12:16am
via Android

Tell lady gaga she can quit her job at the post office shes still a male lady (get it mail/male theres rumors she was a man)

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7 Posts
Apr 26, 2013 12:17am
via iOS
what do u call a bear with no teeth?
a gummy bear
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11 Posts
Jun 22, 2013 2:35am
via Android

These are just a few jokes im going to add, i hope nobody is offended. Remember it's just a joke:)

1. What do you call a muslim with ham on his head?.....Hamed.
2. What do you call a muslim with more ham on his head?....muhammed.
3. What do you call a muslim in between two houses?....Ali.
4. What do you call a polish man with three testicles?.... whodyounickabollockoff.  (Say that one fast)

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