I got one for you, Grace. Then I got to get ready for the gym...
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"I just saw my wife."
"She was riding a skateboard."
That was a good one Mario (: I had a good laugh Thanks
heres one i heard recently,
Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are king in thier castles and how much thier wives respect them. The third guy remain quiet.
Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks,"What about you? do you rule your roost?"
The quiet guy says,"Well,just the other night,my wife came to me on her hands an knees."
What happened then?",they ask immediately.
She said,"Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it...
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"
It's the wife's birthday
Husband: Honey, I'm sorry i forgot your birthday.
Wife: Ok, well if you really love me, you will bring me something that will go from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds.
The husband says ok...
The next day
Wife: Where's my present?
Husband: It's in the driveway.
Wife is excited...
She runs out there, looks at the driveway and finds... a weight scale.
I'm gonna post a few more... Laughter is great for our health... Mind, body, soul.
Heeere we go...
A woman speeds by a motorcycle cop holding a radar gun...
He pulls her over and asks, “What’s the rush?”
She replies, “I’m on my way to assist in an emergency procedure at the hospital.”
The cop asks what she does in the ER.
“I’m an asshole stretcher,” she says.
The cop scratches his head.
She explains, “You see, I prep the patient by taking one finger at a time to slowly stretch the asshole till my hands have made the patient’s asshole a full six feet open."
Looking at the woman in shock, he inquires, “What do you do with a six-foot asshole?”
The lady says, “Usually we give it a badge and a radar gun.”
I was talking to a new acquaintance at a dinner party, and the conversation got around to unemployment...
"You know, it's really sad," she said, "when so many people are out of work, and here I am living off the fat of the land."
"How do you manage that?" I asked.
She lowered her voice to a confidential whisper, and replied, "I'm an aerobics instructor."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh..... the dog's leash goes slack."
Joe took his blind date to the carnival...
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
They walked over to the weight guesser, and he guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale. It read 117, so she won a prize.
The couple then went on the Ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Since they had been there before, the weight guesser guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked "where to next...?"
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
Joe decided Kim was weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake...
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
There was three man stuck on an island one day walking on th beach the men came across a lamp in tha sand thy we're surprised they picked it up on the lamp it read rub me three times in il grant you three wishes the men were happy so the fist man rub the lamp and it read tell me your wish an it shel be done so the man said I'd like to go home to my wife I miss her so much I love her and the lamp read your wish has been granted then poff! the man disrepairde? tha second man grab the lamp and rub it and he said I'd like to go home to my wife I love her and miss her so much then poff! he too disrepairde? Last man picks up the lamp looks around see no one but him left on the island he starts to rub the lamp crying the lamp read tell me your wish and it shel be granted the man boiling his eyes out crying says Im all alone on the island I miss my friends I wish for my friends back!!
''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''
''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.
''Well, I used circles too... I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later, Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."